Divorce Advice

What is it about a married man that is so irresistible?

It must be something because so many women fall for it. Just this week I encountered two women who have slipped into the trap of fatal attraction for a married man. It is dangerous territory and I do not recommend that anyone go there. I speak from experience having invested part of my life in a relationship with a married man. Iam not writing about this subject to lecture or be judgmental or even to speak from my soapbox about what I know that you don’t. My intention is to expose the underhanded tactics, even if unintentional, of men and the naiveté of women that permits these relationships to flower.

What is it about women that make them susceptible to the charm and attraction of an unavailable man?

The unavailable man is very attractive to women who do not want to be controlled by a man. He can provide sporadic attention, sex, usually at regular intervals, definitely advice even when you don’t ask for it and gifts. You don’t have to live with him,which means no snoring, picking up after him, and usually freedom to comeand go as you please. The disadvantages include limited spontaneity,lack of availability on weekends and holidays and never being his number one priority.

This is not to say that men do not fall for married women. I am

certain that the statistics will support that almost as many single men fall for married women but the dynamic between themis much different than that of the single woman and the married man. Obviously, I have more experience with the married man syndrome.

Women in general are used to getting seconds.

What I mean by that is that women choose to settle for less than

what they want. Okay, I expect outrage from most of you who are

reading this but hear me out, please. In this country, men have the power. Look around you, how many women president’s do we have? How many in the Senate, Congress, CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies? How many women make as much money as men do? Consider teaching and nursing, two professions primarily occupied by women, what percentage of men are in the profession and what percentage ofthose are in charge? How many men choose to stay home with thchildren while their wives work and support the family? You get the idea. Granted there are many more women in positions of authority, in medicine, the law, entrepreneurs,real estate, finance, business than ever before, but if you are going to be honest with yourself, it’s still a man’s world. This is okay.

We can live with the fact that men run the world, because women run relationships.

Women, you really are in charge of relationship even if you don’t know it. You just need to raise the bar a little on what youexpect from your relationship. What I mean by women being used to settling is they don’t ask. Let me give you an example. A woman friend of mine works for a big company; she uses her own computer and pays for her own Internet access even though the majority of her computer usage is for her work activities. She has asked the men who run the company to be reimbursed for the cost of her computer andInternet access and has been denied. Her first inclination was to accept this, until she realized: How many men who use a computer in their job, use their own computer let alone pay for their Internet access? Men expect to be provided with the tools that they need to do their job, women provide their own tools and accept it when they are denied reimbursement. Where does this willingness to be used originate? I think that it originated when women first began to invade the workplace. Women weren’t greeted with open arms when they first arrived in the workplace. In order to be accepted, they worked twice as hard, longer hours, tolerated abuse in many ways that a man never would and were eager to please, seeking approval and acceptance by over responding. (Actually, women were welcomed in the workplace during World War II but only because men weren’t available. When the men returned, the women were expected to go back home where they belonged.)

Much of women’s acceptance of second-class treatment is their own fault, because they don’t even ask for it to be different.

Okay, I am a little off the subject of married men, but let me

follow this through to the connection. Let’s look at a wife. The

majority of wives work these days, they also are the primary

childcare provider, and most of them do most of the housework and laundry and cooking and shopping as well. They are also expected by their husbands to be sexy and ready for a quickie at the drop of his pants. Women do all this because they put these standards on themselves. They still expect that they have to do more and do it better because they are women. So where does a woman cut back? Usually it is in paying attention to her husband’s primary needs. A man needs sex and most married men will tell you that the amount of sex that they get dwindles after marriage and especially after children. In addition, the amount of time that a woman has to devote to the nurturing, acceptance, approval and attention to her husband decreases proportionately with the addition of children, job responsibilities and a bigger house.

So this leads us to the plight of the married man.

Who is the married man? First of all he is a man. Men are results oriented. Men have a lot of testosterone. They aren’t good at deciphering what women want, especially their own wives.The married man used to run his own life. He came and went as he pleased; he watched or played baseball whenever he wanted. He lived his own lifestyle. He could have his woman withhim whenever hewanted and she would pay all of her attention to him. Now he is marriedwith a couple of kids, a mortgage, a job he has because it pays themost, not because he loves it so much and a wife who used to cater to him exclusively who now has to divide her time between him, the kids, the house and usually her job. There was a commercial on TV not too long ago that shows a man thinking about his studly single days and how sexy he was in those days, with a child in a stroller. He is playing with his child and shopping in the grocery store and a woman is talking to her friend who comments he doesn’t even know how much more attractive he is now than he was when he was a stud.

Men are pretty unconscious about what makes them attractive.

According to most women it is not their looks that make them

attractive, it is who they are and how they produce in the world. So this married man goes to work and comes home and goes back to work the next day. At work there is this woman. She is single, attractive, smart, capable, speaks his language andsomeone who has time to pay attention to him. It starts as an innocent flirtation. What goes through his mind is something like “Let’s see if I still have it!” so he starts flirting just to see what happens. Not a surprise, she responds to the flirting by flirting back.

This is the beginning of the affair.

In his mind he is flattered, it is fun, and exciting and just a

little bit naughty. What could be more harmless? I’m married.I’m

safe. I can just have a little fun with this. So it continues.He

thinks he can just experiment a little. Let’s see how charming and creative I can be. Let’s see if I can get this woman to fall for me. In his mind it is not cheating. He hasn’t done anything wrong. In the beginning, he even tells his wife about this woman. He tells her about how smart she is or about some accomplishment, usuallywhat made him notice her in the firstplace. Wives usually miss the first clues. The thought of the effect of his harmless flirtation onthe single woman does not even enter his consciousness. So the harmless flirtation continues. It makes the married man feel good. He is happier at home and everything seems hunky dory. He tells the woman his wife doesn’t understand him, she doesn’t have time for him, or she just is cruel to him and the other woman becomes his confidant and starts to believe that he really has no choice in the matter. He needs her because his wife is so … whatever.

He now has both a wife and family and a woman on the side.

Recognize that this process may take several years and several

different women before anything actually happens in the way of an

affair. After several years of living a separate life from his wife while they live under the same roof, a married man is ready for a real affair. The reality is that an affair will occur whether it is an emotional or physical affair or even a cyber affair. No matter which way it goes, what occurs takes away from the married relationship.

What is true about the woman who gets involved with a married man is that she is looking for attention and affection.

Most likely she is not looking for a married man with whom she is plotting to have an affair. There are a few predatory women out there who do just that but the majority of affairs start out

naively. She is likely to have been previously hurt in a

relationship. She may or may not know that the man is married. What occurs first is she recognizes that he is paying attention to her. He may just listen to her. It may just be a momentary encounter where their eyes meet and a connection is made. They may be working together on a project and either of them may distinguishthemselves in some way. What initially happens is likely to be chemistry. What happens after that varies, however, it usually follows this pattern.

When the woman discovers that he is married, she will make it clear that she doesn’t have relationships with married men.

That is the signal for the man to go into conquest mode.

He will pursue her possibly for years because he enjoys the chase. She will continue to refuse his advances as long as she cantolerate it or until he catches her at a weak and vulnerable moment. If she has a good relationship in her life, chances areshe can outlast him, but if she is single, available or married and unhappy, she will eventually succumb. Why? Because the man is so charming, heis wonderful, he is a knight in shining armor, he is a hero, he is this wonderful dedicated family man who is wonderful with his children and attentive to his wife. So the woman asks herself what is she doing?

She continues to say no and the more she says no, the more

aggressive and charming and attentive he gets. This is the ultimate male challenge, to win over a woman who is saying no even though he knows she really is attracted to him.

A married man will work harder than any available man to make a

woman fall in love with him.

He will be more charming, loving, attentive and wonderful than a

woman can imagine that any man can be. So what happens next is this woman who finally surrenders to her feelings for this man, asks him to leave his wife for her. The response from him will almost inevitably be one of two, but I’m married and I’ll neverleave my wife or yes, I’ll leave my wife, but not yet (she’s not ready,my children are too young, I can’t afford it yet, my mother won’t approve etc.) Initially the woman will respond with anger. “If you love your wife what are you doing with me?” Here is the clincher that finally hooks the woman, he is committed to his wife and the woman buys into his honorable dedication to his wife and thinks if only I could have a man who loves me like that.

It is at this point in their relationship that the woman’s final act of settling may occur.

Either she will end it and go off to nurse her broken heart,

wondering how he could have been so wonderful and such a heel atthe same time, or she will continue the affair and settle forbeing the other woman in his life. Either way the woman is damaged. The man will go back to his wife who was either completely unaware of the romantic drama or who also chooses to settle by living in denial of his infidelity. Then life goes on.

The other woman plays a significant part in the perpetuation of this man’s marriage.

She makes it tolerable for him to remain in an intolerable

situation. She makes it possible for him to remain in a marriage

that doesn’t satisfy him. That marriage situation can range from

boredom to outright contempt, but a man won’t leave his marriage

until his wife has dismissed him, either consciously or

unconsciously. She makes it possible for him to deny that there is anything missing in his relationship with his wife. Therefore, the wife wins, if you can call it winning to stay ina relationship with a cheating man.

The purpose in discussing this at all is to emphasize the fact that women settle and men will cheat because they can. So, women, if you want your man to be faithful, you must pay attention and never settle for less than what you want no matter what the cost.

The essence of marriage is commitment. Why get married if you are not willing to commit to loving someone exclusively? The way that I see it, you don’t have to get married to be together, so why do it if you don’t mean it? I was married for 23 years and was strongly in favor of the concept of a renewable marriage license, similar tohow one renews a driver’s license. The point of that beingthat at least very 3 or 4 years people who were married to each otherwould have to take a look at whether they still wanted to be with their spouse. If people were honest about their feelings, it certainly would take a chunk out of the 50% divorce rate.

On a more serious note, however, I really don’t see any point in

getting married unless you are marrying someone with whom youhave sexual chemistry that you love totally, that you trust implicitly, and that you would rather be with than anyone else who alsofeels the same about you. That feeling of total trust isvery rare and itneeds to be nurtured. It’s also good if you have similar values and goals in life. If and when you find someone that meets all ofthe above standards, you probably couldn’t imagine wanting to bewith anyone else. That spiritual bond can be so strong andso valid that it would be out of the realm of possibility to violate it.

It is impossible to ever have that kind of trust if you enter a

relationship that originated with someone cheating.

So what happens to destroy that original bond? It is the woman’sjob to provide the appetite for pleasure and the direction for therelationship. This does not relieve men of any responsibility for it is their job to surrender to their woman’s power and to produce results for her based on what she requests. So, in a relationship that is working the woman must continue to raise the bar for her man and believe in him. What does that mean? That she wants a bigger house, more expensive car, more children? Not necessarily although thosethings may be part of the picture. What it does mean is that she raises the standards of paying attention even when life is busy. It means that they make time for sex even when they don’t have time. It meansthat each one of them stay vulnerable with each other even whenhe/she has done something that embarrasses them or is wrong.

In my marriage, I did it all wrong. I doubted his production,

thought I could do things better than him and lost my ability to

believe in him. When that happened, he quit producing for me and we spiraled downward into total mistrust of each other and

unwillingness to be vulnerable. I kept settling for less than what I asked for and he kept producing only what I believed he could produce. I just didn’t know any better.

It’s a fragile bond that must be protected and as far as I can see what will protect the bond of love is a woman expressing her

appetite that requests more than the man thinks he can produce and then even more vital is that she approves of him and believes in him until he produces it. The most significant element of maintaining a love relationship that works is that both parties must pay attention to each other and to what is happening in the relationship. Going to doubt or settling for less than what she wants is the beginning of the destruction of the delicate balance of the man/woman relationship. In this model of relationship, men and women are regarded as different entities with different needs. It relies on using the sex act as the metaphor for relationship, symbolizing men as producers and women as receivers.

There are no victims.

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Husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends of partners with bipolar disorder are the overlooked and underserved mental illness support network of the Bipolar treatment world. Why do you stay in your bipolar relationship?

First, we are never secure about our own emotional needs. Are they more or less important the needs of our mentally ill spouse? If we choose to take care of our own needs first, we often suffer, then punish ourselves with guilt, then get angry toward our sick partner that he or she has caused us such misery.

But if we choose to put our partner’s emotional, physical and mental health needs ahead of ours–after all, he’s the sick one–our quality of life diminishes. Our choices are never easy and always agonizing.

Second, husbands and wives are alone in coping with our spouses’ Bipolar Disorder (also known as Manic Depression). Besides managing doctor visits, medications, decisions on whether to hospitalize or not, “well” partners must fight for our relationships. The line between partner and caregiver is thin and often non-existent. It can make for a lonely and often devastating life.

You cannot share your feelings with your partner; he’s the sick one and the cause of your distress! Your parents are empty nesters; you can’t burden them with your problems. Your siblings have their own families to worry about. Unless mental illness runs in your friends’ families, they’re not going to understand what you’re coping with. Plus your bipolar husband or wife may not want you violating their privacy rights.

The pressure on us from friends, family and professionals is unrelenting. Those who ask, “Why do you stay in your relationship?” are not supportive. And neither are the ones that imply that it’s your duty to stay married to your bipolar husband or wife. Bipolar disorder runs roughshod over relationships. The divorce rate is three times higher in these marriages than in the general population.

In my personal story, when I did find a “spousal support group,” there was one man (divorced) and 16 women. A third of the women’s husbands lived in their basements, couldn’t hold jobs and couldn’t contribute financially or emotionally to their family life. One third of the women were divorced from violent men who beat them or were emotionally abusive to them or their children (a common side effect of problems with bipolar medication).

The last third were widows–their bipolar husbands had committed suicide. (The suicide rate for bipolar disorder is 12 times higher than the “normal” population.) Everyone in the support group thought I was in denial for having a goal to stay married.

Why do you stay in your bipolar relationship?

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www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com – Discover the REAL Reason Most ‘Behavior-Based’ Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Work. If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “This is not the man I married!” then chances are, you’ve married a Chaos Kid! This video describes why a difficult childhood means TROUBLE for your marriage…

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Though it is rare, sometimes Rhode Islanders or those people who have an issue relating to the Rhode Island Family Courts will want a solution other than just getting a divorce. One option you may consider is to become “legally separated”.

Yet what is it though? Essentially…. it’s a divorce….. without the divorce! Strange…but true.

You deal with the issues in family court the same way you do a divorce but rather than dissolving the marriage, the legal marriage between you and your spouse remains. The assets and debts are usually split and apportioned.

If there are children then placement and legal custody are determined by the Rhode Island Divorce judge. Sometimes spousal support becomes a factor for consideration. Visitation is usually established for the non-placement parent and an order issues indicating that you are legally separated.

However, you remain married with all the legal benefits of marriage and the detriments as well. For instance, you can still file your taxes as “Married filing Jointly” . . . but since you remain married you may not remarry.

Legal Separation is an avenue that I have seen very few people take because usually the marital breakdown does not lead to reconciliation or, if it does, a divorce proceeding usually brings the seriousness of the matter to a head more quickly than a legal separation.

The parties most seriously consider the ramifications of their actions in a divorce proceeding during the statutory cooling off period before the divorce is granted. If there is any doubt about their decision on both of their parts, they can decide to withdraw their Rhode Island Divorce from the court’s consideration before the final judgment enters.

If, during the course of a legal separation proceeding a party knows that he or she wants a divorce, then the party can move to have the separation matter converted to one for a Rhode Island divorce.

The question as to whether to file for a Rhode Island Divorce or a Rhode Island Separation is one that is a matter of choice. However, in my humble opinion, absent a compelling reason to opt for a legal separation and the end result that it provides, it is best to seriously considering filing a divorce proceeding. This suggestion is not intended to advocate divorce, but rather is a suggestion of practicality.

If a party has opted for a legal separation, in my opinion they may need to do so for the legal protections it affords while trying to sort out the marriage. If this is the case then there is a loss of trust with the other spouse such that he or she needs to be compelled to continue to provide for the other or for the children. In the absence of this trust and the need for court intervention to insure the protection of one party or the children, the result of a legal separation order, carries much less weight than that of a divorce decree.

There is something to be said for the idea that in a marriage, we are as spouses are bound to one another. Neither of us may remarry and infidelity is most assuredly frowned upon. We have obligations to our debts with our spouse and with our children, if there are any. There is typically a reliance there and hopefully at some time in the relationship a bond of trust.

Yet the finality of a final judgment of a divorce is like the resounding tone of the thud of a tree as it falls in the forest. Once cut from the ground it is separate and apart from the stump which has been a part of it and enabled it to get nourishment and the stump is now exposed and widened with a more difficult path of any type of growth a head. It is the finality of the divorce decree that makes people think and
it is this factor that helps parties determine in the “cooling off period” between their hearing date and the date when the final judgment may enter that reconciliation is most likely.

So what happens if you get a Rhode Island Separation Decree and subsequently want to divorce your spouse?

You must file for divorce and go through the proceeding all over again.

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This article might seem shocking and archaic, but it’s all true. The other night I had dinner with my husband and two of his single male friends (Ben and Jack) who launched into a tirade about dating today. These good-looking, 40 something, self-employed bachelors are frustrated with trying to find a decent woman. I couldn’t believe it.

The Problem?

Ben and Jack think women today act desperate. Of course I asked for specifics – what does desperate look like? Turns out it boils down to two very basic and rather traditional concepts:

1) Men don’t want women to chase them

2) Men don’t like when “the chase” is too easy

Dating is an Ancient Mating Ritual

What? How can this be in an age of equality between the sexes? It’s really very simple – dating harkens back to ancient mating rituals that have not gone away, nor been modified as much as women would hope.

Dating Guidelines from the “Fellas”

According to Ben, Jack and others, here are some guidelines that women might try following if they want to be perceived as “quality prospects” during your initial encounters with men:

1) With online dating, don’t initiate a flood of emails. Some women email multiple times a day which makes them appear demanding, needy, or high maintenance. Frequent contact can cause him to feel crowded. Initially, let men set the pace.

2) Don’t Call to Say Hi, Check in, or Discover Why He hasn’t Called. This is seen as pushy and desperate. If you don’t like the slow pace, perhaps the guy isn’t the right one for you. If you feel compelled to call when you haven’t heard from him, don’t make more than one light-hearted and friendly call. That’s it. Either he’ll pick up the ball or not, but leave that ball in his court.

3) As horrible as this old saying is, “There’s no reason to buy the cow if the milk is free.” The double-standard is still alive! While all men don’t feel this way, it’s pretty hard to know who does and who doesn’t before it’s too late. The best course of action is to hold off on intimacy to insure you’ll get the respect you want and deserve.

The Chase Remains Important and Desirable

Most men still prefer to pursue women during the initial phase of dating. They want to chase and win you over, rather than feel like you’re a push over. It’s not about playing really hard to get. It is about not being too available or overly enthusiastic. Simple human nature creates the desire to want what isn’t readily available and without this tension, there’s nothing to “conquer.”

If you think about it, women feel the same way. My female clients complain all the time about men who are “too nice,” clingy, or come on too strong. Or think about all the women who love “bad boys;” men who are unavailable or unattainable. This is the flip side of the very same coin, so to speak.

My conclusion about Ben and Jack’s perspective on dating is this: For better or worse, the Dating Game is still in play. You can deny it or fight against it if you want. But that won’t change the cold, hard facts from most men’s perspective.

You’re Best Bet is to Play the Game

Instead of chasing someone and risking the appearance of desperation, use your feminine charm to draw a man in. Let him know and see why you’re a great catch.

Demonstrate your delightful character by being fun to be with and looking your best. Flirt with him, flatter and praise him (but keep it genuine please), and show appreciation by thanking him. And, let him lead the way for at least the first 4-8 dates. It may be “old school” but there’s no arguing with what has worked well for eons and still works today. Try following this plan and discover how well it can work for you too. Chances are, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

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