When offering divorce advice for women, one really important topic is helping them to understand the effects of divorce on children. These effects depend on a number of important factors, including the age of the child at the time of divorce, the gender and personality of the child, the amount of conflict between parents, and the support provided by friends and family.
Although it is becoming more common for men to be seriously considered to be awarded physical custody of the children in divorce, approximately 85% of single households are still headed by women. The dissolution of a marriage affects every member of the family and this information is important to be shared in divorce advice for women and for men.
The children’s adjustment following a divorce is more dependent on the quality of the parent-child relationship than the gender or age of the child. There are some patterns that researchers have found regarding gender differences – boys raised by fathers and girls raised by mothers may do better than children raised by parents of the opposite sex. The involvement of the non-custodial parent is important in the children’s lives, and especially the involvement of the parent of the same gender as the child.
Some typical reactions of children to divorce include:
Denial
Feelings of abandonment
Pre-occupation with information about what is happening
Anger and hostility
Depression
Immaturity or hyper-maturity
Preoccupation with or fantasies of reconciliation
Blame and guilt
Acting out
Wise parents will try to protect their children from becoming pawns in the divorce. Many family courts require both parents to attend a parenting class that has a goal of assisting the parents to understand how to make the transition as conflict-free for the children as possible. Unfortunately, in many cases the children are torn between two feuding parents, increasing the emotional drama for the children.
Discussing the separation and divorce with children can help strengthen the relationship with them, if the information given is appropriate for age of the child. General information is sufficient for younger children, while adolescents will want more detail. Part of what they need to know is what their relationship will be with each parent. Circumstances may vary, but where at all possible, an assurance of a continued and strong relationship with each parent will be important.
Allow the children space to grieve. Counseling may be an important element in your child’s healing, as well as your own. Many schools and religious organizations offer support groups for children whose family is going through divorce. It often takes two or more years for children to adjust to the divorce of their parents.
“In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved in their children’s lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to extraordinary expenses for a child…One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in a child’s life is the mother’s attitude toward the child’s relationship with the father.”
Much of how the children are impacted by divorce and the dissolution of the family as they knew it rests on the parents and their willingness to strive to keep an open communication and a cooperative attitude regarding their children. Agreement between the parents on discipline and child rearing, as well as love and approval from both parents, contributes to the child’s sense of well-being and self-worth.
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